JOKES (EPISODE 1)

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1. Prophetic Words

When I was a kid, my dad bought a new car and drove us to church one Sunday. It was a prophetic service and our pastor was being used by God that day to deliver people from poverty. Suddenly, our pastor looked at my dad
and said, "Daddy Vicky, God is set to bless you!"

My mum jumped up and shouted excitedly, "Amen!!!"

My dad was excited too. The pastor then came closer, placed his hand on my dad's head and prayed for him. As our pastor turned to climb the alter, God told him something. He stopped, looked at my dad and said, "Daddy Vicky, you bought a new car last week?"

"Yes sir." my dad responded with much surprise on his face.

Then our pastor said, "God said I should tell you to sow your CAR KEY into my life."

I was shocked that my dad did not argue with the pastor, he just put his hand in his pocket, brought out the car key and gave to our pastor.

After about 5 minutes, my dad stood up, went outside the church, he didn't even wait till the end of the service. I could see him boarding an Okada going home. "He must be very worried." I reasoned in utter fear and confusion.

After a while, he returned to church with the SPARE KEY of his car and drove the car back to the house. I was so stunned at what I was seeing. When I asked him why he acted that way he.said, "Vicky, use your brain, the pastor asked for the KEY and NOT the CAR."

2. No Idea

Akpos was in the classroom one day and his teacher asked him a question.

TEACHER: Akpos! what do you call a deer with no eyes?

AKPOS: ''No idea" ma.

3. Dictate

The teacher told her class the word of the day was "dictate" and asked who could spell it.

George raised his hand and he spelled out, "d-i-k-t-a-t-e."

The teacher said, "sorry that's wrong" Then she asked Akpos.

Akpos slowly spelled out, "d-i-c-k-t-a-t-e."

"Sorry" says the teacher, "that's not right either."

Next, she asked Fiona After a slight pause Fiona began spelling, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e."

"Very good Fiona," applauded the teacher, "that's correct. Now," the teacher continued, "who can use this word in a sentence?"

Akpos raised his hand quick as a flash shouting, "I know-I know,"

"OK" replied the teacher, "please use the word Akpos."

Akpos responded, "How did my dictate last night, Fiona?" 

4. Panties In A Car

A married lawyer was having fun with a prostitute in his car.

On getting home, his wife saw panties on the back seat. She tore it apart screaming, "Kunle! What is this?!"

The lawyer retorted, "What is what? I don't know what your're talking about!"

The wife replied, "This Panties! I saw it in your car this evening!"

Quickly, His lawyerly instincts kicked in and calmly said, "You just destroyed the evidence of a rape case worth a million naira I'm handling."

She fell on her knees apologizing.  

5. Tough Exams

MOTHER: How was your exams?

SON: It was fine Mum.

MOTHER: I am very sure you cleared all the questions.
SON: Yes Mum! They gave me questions I don't understand so I also gave them answers they would not understand!

6. Funny Daughter

A four year old girl walks in while her father is dressing in the bedroom. She looks at his privates and points at his???
and ask, "Dad! What's that thing
between your legs?"
The dad replies, "I don't know." She goes to the kitchen and finds her mom, "Mom. What's that long thing between dad's legs?"
Her mom instead of explaining things to her, replies, "I don't know." A week later, when her mom was coming home from work, the little girl ran to her and says, "Mom! You refuse to tell me the name of that thing between dad's legs. I have finally figured it out
myself. It's a toothbrush!"
The mom laughs, then ask, "How do you know that?" The little girl explains, "When I came back from school this morning, I saw aunty Nana (the Maid) kneeling in front
of dad, brushing her teeth with dad's toothbrush and sure enough, there was toothpaste all over her mouth."
The mum fainted!

7. Foolish Akpos

A mad man was standing on the 3rd Mainland bridge shouting; "45! 45!! 45!!
A crowd gradually gathered to watch him. A guy Akpos came and asked one of the people watching; What is that mad man saying?
The man replied; I don't know! The inquisitive Akpos went ahead to ask the mad man what "45" mean? As soon as he got close to the mad man, the mad man picked him up and threw him into the ocean and started screaming; 46! 46!! Everybody took to their heels.
One word for Akpos.

8. Wicked Husband

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they
make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know
I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" "Of course," the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks
at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they
make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his
impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,
"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"  

9. Illiterate Akpos

Akpors enters Supermarket to buy
himself orange juice and sugar.
He paid for the orange juice and
walked out with the sugar under his arm, unpaid.
At the door he was arrested and locked up. During the court hearing, the judge asked him why he paid for the juice only and stole the sugar? He replied, "I do not steal. At the back of the juice bottle, it said SUGAR FREE.
Lolzz one word for akpos?

10. Abusive

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

11. The Real Father

MOTHER: Akpos I'm sorry I slept with someone that is not your father 23 years ago. And that person is your real father.
AKPOS: Mum, what rubbish! How could you! How am I to deal with this?! You should be hanged!"
MOTHER: I am sorry baby, he was my first love and I could not marry him cause we are of different religion. He is on the phone at the moment and wants to speak with his you for the first time ever.
AKPORS: No I am speaking to no one, Mr bello is the only father I know and that will never change!
MOTHER: Please don't be so upset. Just talk to him.
AKPOS: Ok, I will give him a piece of my mind!
Akpos already very angry, was ready to pour scorn on his apparent real father when:
PHONE: Morning Son, I am Aliko Dangote. I am your real father.
AKPOS: [Totally in shock] I always knew there was something special about me. I never did like Mr. Bello as my father.

12. Breast Milk Advantage

The student - not necessarily a well-prepared student - sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper.
The question directed:
"Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble
whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer.
Again, what to write?
Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again.
But suddenly, he brightened.
He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.

13.  Be a Proud Nigerian

A Nigerian, an American and a German boarded a plane. As the plane was flying over the sea satan came out and said to them: "I want you to drop something into the sea, if i find it you die,but if i don't,you live". The American quickly plucked a button from his shirt and threw it into the sea, satan dived into the sea and came up with the button. ''see!'' he said and killed the American. The German threw a pin into the sea, satan dived and came out with the pin. ''See!'' he said and killed the German. The Nigerian brought out a pure water sachet, opened it and poured the content into the sea holding back the sachet. He said to Satan, ''Oya begin find water inside water...Idiot''...Proud 2 b a Nigerian jare...Even the devil dey bow 4 us.

14.  Wise Akpos 

Akpos mistakenly sent 800 Thousand Naira to a wrong phone number via Mobile Money. Akpos realized that before the person withdraws the whole money, he had to think of what to do if he wants to get his money back. To the person phone number. He immediately sent a text:
Hi Boss, i hope you are okay. I hope you’ve received the money i sent you for the introduction ceremony of joining Illuminati Satanism scheduled to happen at 12midnight.
That money is only for transport. I will send you more for pocket money and there are riches awaiting you. Remember to carry a syringe and needle meant to draw your blood every 20 minutes. Please don’t be late because the devil will be present to officiate the ceremony. Thanks in advance. But in case you are not ready to join, please send back the money. 4 Minutes later.
Akpos gets a Mobile Money message – You have received 800 Thousand Naira for your mobile money account.
One word for Akpos
Hahahahahahahahahahah

15. What are You Wearing?

Chat between a white girl and her boyfriend:
BOY: Honey
GIRL: Yes sugar.
BOY: What are you wearing?
GIRL: A cute pink shirt, a pair of denims, and the pink sandals I got at the mall.
BOY: Aww ain't that cute? Can't wait to see my baby.
Chat between a Nigerian girl and her boyfriend:
BOY: Baby.
GIRL: Ehn?!
BOY: What are you wearing today?
Girl: Hahan! See question. Cloth of course. Mtchew!
BOY: Sorry didn't mean to annoy you. What exactly are you wearing?
GIRL: I said cloth or are you deaf? Wait, do I have to tell you everything I do? What's all these....
BOY: (angrily drops his phone

16.  NIGHT CLUB

Akpos went to a night club, and when he got home the following conversation ensued.
MUM: Akpos, where are you coming from?
AKPOS: Classes!
MUM: Don't lie to me boy!!!!!
AKPOS: I went to the club [in tears]
MUM: Good, I hope you learnt your lesson?
AKPOS: Yes mummy
MUM: Alright, what did you see there that you never want to see again?
AKPOS: Daddy and Aunty Nadia...

17. How Many Girls

WIFE: Sweety, how many girls did you date before you met me?

HUSBAND: (quiet)

WIFE: (5 minutes later) Sweety, I asked you a question!

HUSBAND: Will you just keep quiet and let me count!

18. The Best Books

If you go to a bookshop to purchase a book, and you see some books with Titles like these:

How to look Beautiful/Handsome by Obasanjo.

The Secret of a Successful Marriage by Pastor Chris Oyakhilome.

One Wife is Healthy by Jacob Zuma

Food that will make you grow tall by Osita Iheme (Pawpaw)

My Love for Nigeria by Abubakar Shekau (Boko Haram Leader)

Tips on how to get Married by Genevieve Nnaji.

Tips on how to win the UEFA CHAMPIONS LEAGUE by Arsene Wenger

The Joy of Poverty by Aliko Dangote.

How to Use A Condom By Tu-Face Idibia

Tips on how to pass your English Language by Patience Jonathan.

Best way to Play Football without biting the opponent's Players on the pitch by Suarez

How to win a Presidential Election by Atiku Abubakar.

How to generate electricity by Nigeria government

How to tackle Insurgents by Osama Bin Laden.

The Secret of Wisdom. By Akpos.

Which of them would you buy? And which one would you like to add to the bookshop?

19. Is This Shit?

Akpos goes to a store for groceries. He finds cat food at a very special low price. He buys a dozen cans of cat food. The manager sees this and thinks that Akpos probably doesn't own a cat and he might give the cat food to his children. He goes to Akpos and ask him to bring the cat as proof for him to buy the cat food. Akpos goes and bring his cat and the manager lets him buy the dozen cans.
A few days later Akpos finds dog food at a low lower price. He buys a dozen cans of dog food. Again the manager wants proof that he owns the dog. Akpos goes to get his dog and the manager lets him buy.
A few days later Akpos goes to the store carrying a bag. He ask the manager to put his hand in the bag and feel what is inside. After feeling what's in the bag the manager says, "What the f***? What is this? Is this shit?"
Akpos nodded and replied, "Yes I wanted to buy toilet paper and I don't want you to send me back for proof again."

20. ROBOT FOR SALE:

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother. 

21. LITTLE APRIL

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

22. LITTLE BILLY

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

23. ERROR  

A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.A husband, "Put 'MYP*NIS' " and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause on screen was error, "Error. Not long enough."

24. UNLUCKY YOUNG MAN

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

25. TRANSFORMATION

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
"Go get your Mother."

26. Why Did You Eat Him

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...
"Then why did you eat him?"